For my college essay I chose to write one for the Mallocra Properties Scholarship. The prompt: tell how your parents have taught you about finances. My revised version is definitely better than my first draft in the sense that I used around six or seven critiques in between each draft to solidify my essays main points and thesis. I normally don't use a lot of the critiques I receive because I feel as if they aren't accurate or good enough nor do I acquire a lot of critiques. Usually I try to perfect my essays on the first draft and worry that it isn't perfect enough. But that is what a first draft is supposed to be; messy and imperfect. I learned to control my worries and to just write what I was thinking. My first draft was incomplete but with all the critiques I received I was able to correct those imperfections and have a completed final essay that I was proud to submit.
My hook for my first draft was, "Imagine you are standing in line at the bank, check and ID in hand and waiting for the teller to say, "who's next?" Suddenly it occurs to you that you have never done this before and have no clue what to do. You walk up to the desk and hand the teller your check and ID. She kindly asks you what bills you want and hands back your total in preferred $20s and $10s. That wasn't too hard. But now comes the budgeting How much towards rent? Food? Bills? Suddenly you are overwhelmed and if someone would've told you sooner how to do all this you wouldn't feel so unprepared." Although it was a good start to my essay, it didn't connect well with the rest of what I was writing. So I scrapped that and my final hook is now, "Very few have the luxury of being taught about finances when they're younger, while others must learn from their mistakes"
Most of the feedback that I got revolved around connecting my conclusion back to my hook and shortening the personal parts of the essay and elaborating more on what I took away from those experiences that taught me about finances. Not having a completed essay, it was hard for me to connect my conclusion to my previous hook so scrapping it and creating a better hook made it easier to connect my conclusion to. I also removed a lot of personal parts that weren't too important to the essay and added more on how the personal events I did leave in the essay, shaped my knowledge of finances.
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